well i've got something to say
but you might laugh, joke or run away
coz i'm awkward and nervous
sometimes i dont say much at all

[...]

but I, I want you
and nothing else can make me feel the way you do
so i'm waiting, i'm wishing
that it's me you'll be holding tonight and every night

madrugada.

as vezes é bom ter insonia. ajudar a pôr os pensamentos no lugar. organizar a cabeça. o problema é quando nem você sabe a causa da súbita insonia. e fica se revirando na cama com um vácuo na cabeça. e tudo que vem se torna um emaranhado de pensamentos vãos que se partem voláteis como álcool. e até o sentimento de cansaço vai embora. e você fuma um maço de cigarros pra combater uma ansiedade que você nem ao menos sabe do que é. e o sexo ao lado complica. talvez a única coisa que, pensando bem, o manteve acordado. as lembranças, a saudade do beijo, das mãos se entrelaçando, dos corpos conectados como nunca havia sentido antes. mas nem ao menos isso serve de estimulante pra alguma coisa. logo as lembranças se vão novamente. e novamente a mente vazia. nem ao menos o tipo de mente vazia que produz coisa errada. vazia de qualquer coisa, qualquer sentimento, qualquer sensação. e ele se sentia até leve por não ter nada dentro de si. gostaria ao menos de estar sentindo raiva, ou a boa e velha melancolia. isso talvez o levaria a pensar em algo que se relacionasse. e até a musica faz confusão em sua mente nua. gostaria de escrever sobre seus amigos, sobre cada momento do amanhecer que presenciou, sobre a chuva, sobre o sexo. mas não sentia nada disso. e talvez daqui a algum tempo ele até goste disso. o novo sempre lhe pareceu atraente. e se adaptar as situações adversas ou inusitadas tem se tornado seu forte.

details.

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way...

And everything, everything will be fine

yesterday.

now i know that is not love, just another great feeling when we're together. and that night was like the brand new beginning of this great feeling. not that it wasn't there before, it's just the fact that it feels right and feels visible when you really know what you're feeling. and learning about life and how much you have to live connected with others in the best they have to give to you in front of that one was just amazing. every laugh, every hug, every kiss, every smile. it always feels like the first. like having to chase the girl and get her every single time. but he doesn't care. just to know how much it's good not to be surrounded by all those doubts anymore makes life become just another extension of heaven, like being that knew guy, like loving even more his friends, just like life is right now.

egocentrismo positivo.

eu cansei de dar voltas na minha cabeça pra achar algo sobre o que eu queira escrever, cansei de tentar fazer isso em inglês pois tem uma sonoridade melhor, cansei de procurar inspiração e de me obrigar a estar sempre aqui. cansei de comparar tudo o que escrevo com o que quer que seja. esse sou eu e é apenas de mim que preciso pra estar aqui. essas promessas de não fazer promessas dão certo quando você realmente não quer se prometer nada. mas eu acho que quero, mas prefiro continuar sendo hipócrita comigo mesmo. porque aqui dentro as coisas funcionam muito bem. nada de dor, nada de rejeição, nada de achar que ninguém me quer. o meu mundo fora de mim já me traz tudo isso. a dúvida do amor daqueles que me cercam, do dia de chuva que não sabe se vem, daquela ligação não conrrespondida que se disfarça de descaso, daquelas desaprovações alheias. e então eu fico chato. porque não sei do que sei. apenas acho que sei. e como a coisa mais idiota que alguém pode eu trato de, aos poucos afastar quem aproximei de mim. ou talvez não. talvez minha primeira promessa não feita deste novo ano esteja cumprida. aprender de cara com meus antigos erros agora já comçea a funcionar melhor. já não me faço de burro tanto quanto antes me fazia. e a quantas pessoas devo isso? talvez não apenas a mim onde insisto em me prender. talvez eu tenha mesmo tido os ultimos 365 dias pra me fazer o que sou hoje. mas ainda estou me descobrindo, deixe que essa juventude me faça uma pessoa melhor na maturidade. é pra isso que a vivo. sei que minha total liberdade virá com o tempo. e ele tem sido meu melhor amigo.

'how many people can make you feel extraordinary?'

"i don't know where i crossed the line
was it something that I said
or didn't say this time?

and i don't know if it's me or you
i can see the skies are changing
no longer shades of blue
i don't know which way it's gonna go

and if it's going to be a rainy day
there's nothing we can do to make it change
we can pray for sunny weather
but that won't stop the rain
you're feeling like you've got no place to run
i can be your shelter till it's done
we can make this last forever
so please don't stop the rain"

you.

i've been working for such a long time for me in this hole thing about been a new man.. staying away from this huge strange past that i had. and i'm kind of doing well with everything, i mean.. how many times could i just say how much i'm good with all that happened? and it was not a question of searching for it. just came naturally and now i can't even recognize myself when i look in the mirror. and the most i noticed how different i am from the times i was yours, the most i wanna talk about it, talk about how much you're just like... nothing now. and i've been thinking so much of you these days. don't worry i'm not wasting any of my days remembering the good times as something that i surely wanna have back here, it's just that i cannot fucking believe... oh good you are so.. maybe i'll find a single word to describe you. maybe. until there you gonna see me here. talking about you in this way you don't want me to talk.

life.

how long it takes 'till u finally realize what u really want from life? what u really want from people around u? this is the kind of thing that it's born to not be simple. i mean, what's the average number of people who knew what to do in life with such little time as me? and there they are, just doing choices in the nick of time. maybe not proud of any decisions they made themselves. or maybe i'm the only one who have these doubts myself. about a career, about friends, about feelings. and how could it be so simple to everyone surrounding me and not that simple to me as well? i guess life is not that old lady u can just ask things and get answers about. hard to believe if it was. but beside all these stressful questions i made to myself i know in the and everything it's gonna work. that's why i've cried my tears out for anything related to all these thoughts. it's just the idea of failing that drives me crazy enough to be writing about it. but write it's just write. a way to push out what u wanna say and have no one to tell. this what i have to say. for whoever wanna read it, and give me the answers i need.

when life gets hard.

it's hard to see when starts. and suddenly you see yourself in the middle of the night thinking about the most random things about life. about loves in a lifetime actually. why six in the morning turned your official time to go to bed, why nothing makes you officially see that it will takes you nowhere to keep on listen to these thoughts, why your life now seem so hard to make easy.

and friends are not being enough to keep you away from the madness of being alone. weird. wishing a natural life is now everything he can actually desire. desire. something really not helpful these days. these nights. girls were never an issue for him. but now... what happened? all those girls around seem so boring for him. he wants the freshness of a new love. not these awake nightmares that now is haunting him. these craziness surrounding him it's getting harder to go. and the most they stay here, the most is hard for him to forget them. all he needs to do it's find a way to make it all fade away. so much more he has to learn, so much of life. learn that there's more to life than just thing about all of the women he loved. but he is so young. it doesn't even fit talking so much about love. sure looks good for him talk about not talking about love. but what looks good it's not always whats gonna make us do the right thing. but the next night it's there for him to try to do it.